".... yyeeeaaahhhhh" - our creepy man voice (lol rae i love it...) [14 Nov 2005|04:56pm] [ mood | stressed ] i did what i promised myself i would never do again... it sucks. i used to hear my friends tell me they'd do this and id just look at them and think about how dumb and fucked up they were but now im doing it to myself. im actually kinda worried about myself. i have so many guy friends that think i live this life of... doing well in school, going out... and thats it. im really starting to be screwed up now. im wondering how long its going to take for people to either push me away or hurt me before i start to believe that im basically not worth anything better than being treated badly. things used to be so good but everything is slowly starting to fall apart. its hard for me to believe but im happiest when im at school... with my friends, away from the house im moving out of, away from the computer where i talk to the boys i dont care about (who care about me) and the boys i care about (that don't care about me), away from my dad's closet, my dad's office. its hard for me to even talk about him lately without starting to cry. i dont remember what his voice sounds like anymore. i cant remember what it was like to have him around the house except for the ONE memory i have of walking into his office and lookin at him sitting in his chair, glancin up at me from under his reading glasses and smiling. i guess im starting to realize i have no control over my life... who stays in it, who decides to leave. EVERYONE who has said they'd always be there for me has left me at one time or another except for my mom. people like to push my buttons because i kno i get upset easily. people like to treat me badly cuz they think/know ill always be there for them. i sometimes wonder what these people would do if they found out they were the reason i ended up just giving up on everything. im waitin for me to shut down. its going to happen soon enough....

"when she's around... nothing else matters" - Wanna Love You Girl [13 Nov 2005|04:11pm] [ mood | confused ] I havent written in literally forever but today seems like a good day to relfect on life recently. my life seems like a roller coaster... consistently changing. sometimes i feel really good and happy with school, boys... life in general. other times all i can think about is my dad and how i WISH i could hear advice about these two SPECIFIC situations in my life right now, but it just sucks cuz ill never get to ask him for help. ive basically decided that from now, i shouldnt let my gaurd down. i should just shut people out because once i let ppl in.. i get hurt too easily. i care too much about what people think about me. right now, i am neck deep in work that i missed being in DC. im stressed because it seems like im losing my brother which really hurts because all i really have left is my mom. my situation with boys is stressing me out like no other. i have a boy that hates me, a boy that loves me, a boy i want but can never have because hes with someone else, and a boy i want but we never have time for each other. i sometimes wonder what boys would think of me if i actually got to sit down with them and tell them exactly how i feel about them. would i scare them off? would it make them understand me more? i guess i'll never have the chance to find out because the one boy i need to understand the most, makes no sense to me. i am not the type of girl to cry over a guy, but sometimes he really hurts me... probably on purpose. i guess who can blame him... but the only recovery from that is talking to the guy i want SO BADLY but we never have time for each other. he treats me better than any guy ever has. but i guess its good hes too busy because if he did nothing and sat around doing nothin but school & going out.. then we'd actually develope a relationship. i dont think i can handle another relationship. i wish i could rewind to a lil over a year ago.... get to talk to my dad again...ask for final advice. i just wish i had warning that he was leaving me. i wouldnt have obsessed as much as i did over the loyola football games... i wouldnt have played with guys emotions the way i did. i would wait until a guy likes me... and then just move on when he started to like me. i wouldnt have let my gaurd down in may.. seeing how unhappy its made me now. i wouldve made more of an effort to spend time with marcus. i just kinda wish i had the chance to start everything over.

"omg you stupid fart" - Ern [27 Sep 2005|10:08pm] [ mood | happy ] ok so i havent written in a while... so heres my life lately in a nutshell. 1) the loyola dance was friday 2) there have been two loyola games 3) ive gone to the grove once and the bridge twice... 4) ive been doin WAY better in school this year than last year. lately ive just spending my days laughing at xenia, having erin do stuff for me, making lindsay do my physics hw, talking to rachel on the phone and last but not least... being confused about boys. i honestly do not think ill ever understand them. whatever happened to the days back in 8th grade when a guy would flat out say "I like you" or "i want to date you" or "i want you to be my girlfriend". i guess i just want a boy who can prove to me that he's different from the rest AND..... i dont want a bf for a while. i just want to date around... with someone in particular ;) so anyways.. theres my life... its gotten better in the past week, i'd say...

"PHYSICAL TOUCH!" - Xenia [02 Sep 2005|08:44pm] [ mood | angry ] ok so here's life lately in a nutshell: 1. school started. homework, uniforms, getting up at 5:45am, the works... 2. tomorrow is going to be the worst day of my life. 3. i ACTUALLY think i found the one guy that will treat me better than i have been treated before. 4. things with brandon have definetly gotten worse, but for once... i'm not going to chase after him about it because 1) i dont know what theres left to do and 2) i honestly think that if he wanted things to work out.. he'd come to me, which he has yet to do. and 5... i got my hurr did lol so tomorrow i have the choice of going over john's house or the loyola game... i have no clue what im doing. i need to talk to erin but shes not home... mm great!

"You needsta stop" - Erin's reaction to my EXTREMELY lustful actions [27 Aug 2005|08:54pm] [ mood | really dumb ] so ive finally decided that since school is starting... i really need to get my act together. i change who i am depending on who is around me and ive decided i need to stop acting like a combination of who i was before my dad died, my loyola groupie phase, and who i am now, i guess. ive decided who i want to be and who i want to be with. and i'm sticking to that. im good about changing my emotions on command by forcing myself to get over things/people. i need to accept whats goin to happen and whats never going to happen. ive made some mistakes and done some things that obviously were for the best. who i am now and what im doing is disgusting and def. not who i want to be. if i was someone else looking at the way i act now, id feel sorry for myself. some of the things i do now are PATHETIC and im done. im done being patient. im done putting up with things. im done trying to make something of nothing. i want people surrounding me who love me for who i am now and not what i used to be like. i dont want to mold myself into someone else just so other people will like me or want me or whatever. thats going to be really hard but i guess i just have to accept that just being who i am... might make some of the most important people in my life not want to associate themselves with me anymore. my new "mission" i guess you could call it.... is to find someone who loves me for me... dispite what i've done or might do in the future.

"You... saw my penis" - Evan [26 Aug 2005|11:28pm] [ mood | confused ] so tonight was Melissa's Going Away Party... the only thing i accomplished was feeling like shit. 4 days till school starts... i know it sounds weird, but it'll probably help me get over.... things.

"You probably just don't want to sweat out ur hair(runs his fingers through my hair)-some random guy [26 Aug 2005|12:14pm] [ mood | in serious pain ] alright..so last night was the dada dance. i went over erin's house before. that girls room is like a freaking sauna... we had to go stand outside to wait fo brittany because i felt like i was goin to have a heat stroke in there lol. so brittany came over...then we went to go pick up Adrienne from her house. she had just gotten out of the shower and wasnt ready to go yet lol. we got to the dance and just sat out front in erin's car checkin the scene. we saw cam, lauren & sharday get out of their car. we all like.... ducked down so cam wouldnt see us cuz we werent ready to get out yet lol. blah blah blah we went inside.. we were having fun at first but eden and i got really bad headaches so towards the end... guys would ask us to dance and we'd just give them a blank look and be like "... no" lol. we were there for only like...3 and a 1/2 hours but it seemed liek SO much longer. adrienne's dad came to pick us up and the SECOND we get in the car... adrienne was like "hey was that harrison?" and everyone went CRAZY. we were CONVINCED it wasnt him but i think its only because we dont want to admitt that theres a chance we missed that fine peice of ass.. lol. when we got back to erin's house.. i could barely walk. i got in her bed... and when she FORCED me to get out and watch her play this REALLY weird game, i almost couldnt lift up my legs. anyways so today is melissa's goin away party so im goin to have to get ready in a couple hours and go back out... im starting to realize how much i start to miss people when i dont have them around anymore. i WISH more than anything i could go back to the way i was before..

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